My main stress in life at the moment is: growing up.
I hate it.
I hate it more than anything.
I can't stop. I can't just stay home the rest of my life and be a parasitic child and have lots of fun in Fine Linen shows, taking music lessons, reading....but never going to college and never moving forward.
This morning I'm taking the ACT for the second time. I'm not too apprehensive about it, but I have to drive myself and check myself in, and I'm not sure that I like doing things like this without my mommy. Is this a sign that I've been homeschooled all my life?
I don't like doing the grownup things. I don't like having to make decisions, important decisions even, by myself. I don't like having responsibility.
Maybe it's because I'm a year ahead in school. I'm not sure, but it seems to me that most sixteen-year-olds don't have to deal with a bunch of the stuff that I'm going through right now. A lot of it is figuring out the plan for college, but most of it is emotional. I just never realized how blessed I was to be educated at home until now, and I don't feel like I've had enough time with my family. And what am I going to do after college? Will I live at home again, as if I never left in the first place? Maybe. Chances are I'll get married someday. But when? I'll probably look for, and eventually find a job after graduating. But where? Not in Rolla, surely. In Missouri? Possibly. Do college gradutes, fresh with a degree, just run off to a corner of the country and find a job somewhere and start a new life? That seems terribly reckless to me....although in reality I'd love to do that. Find a little, quiet mountain town in central-ish Colorado; find a job teaching at the high school.
My stomach is in knots. Pray for me.
Isn't is a terrible feeling, when something you despise just keeps happening and happening and you are completely unable to stop it?
I just want to stay home! I'm too young to leave, right? I'll be seventeen, and then turn eighteen my freshman year.
I'm just writing in circles. I need to go brush my teeth.