A short (silly) story inspired by John Nisbett.
I was sitting out by our pool a few weeks ago (despite the fact that it was closed) while drinking some pink lemonade and pondering the purpose of fingerless gloves when a large black limousine drove up. A strange figure stepped out. He was dressed in black, and was wearing a black cape lined with red satin. He had black hair, and he had a widow's peak. It was definitely a vampire.
So the vampire walked up to me and said, "Hello, my name is Dracula. I was wondering if you had a computer I could borrow."
I replied, "I have a computer but you may not borrow it. Go away."
He got kind of mad and laughed, "Mwa-ha-ha."
I asked him to stop. I don't like scary laughing vampires.
Now, this is the point in the story when I should have gone inside to get some garlic...or is that for werewolves? I don't know. Rachael Ray was talking about it on Food Network a couple halloweens ago.
So, Mr. Dracula decided that the best way to get my computer was to trick me. So he said,
"If you close your eyes and count to 372, I'll give you the complete second season of Star Trek: The Original Series on DVD." This could have been my first mistake, but what Mr. Dracula didn't is that I can count to 372 in record setting time. Like, really really fast. So by the time I got to 372, Dracula was only just getting into his limo, STEALING my computer. I ran after him and called him a crazy hooligan.
I had to get my laptop back, so I devised a plan to trap Dracula. I spent three weeks making a huge sign that said,
"WELCOME TO THE COFFEE BARN, the newest coffee shop in town, FREE WI-FI, excellent coffee too!"
and I hung it in front of my house. Then I recruited some friends to sit in my living room and pretend like they were patrons of my fictional coffee shop. Why did I do this, you ask? Because I just happened to know that vampires cannot resist coffee shops and free wi-fi...and hopefully, Mr. Dracula would bring MY laptop with him.
The next day, I saw a black limousine pull up in our driveway. I called the police and asked them to send a car over. Dracula entered our little cafe and seated himself near a window. He then pulled out MY laptop and started taking advantage of our internet while he waited for my clueless sisters...I mean, my experienced waitresses. They were in the kitchen on my mother's laptop, googling directions for how to make a frozen caramel latte.
In about 7.8 minutes, a police car drove slowly up the driveway. I went out to explain what the situation was, and invited them in.....for "coffee."
Sneaking over to Dracula's table, I whispered in his ear, "Sir, there are some fans of yours over by the piano. They would like a picture with you if it's convienient."
He smiled and got up. As you can guess, the "fans" were the policemen. They took him in on charges of laptop stealing, disturbing the peace and loitering at Wal Mart.
"Thanks for calling us, miss," one policeman told me, "We've been after this one for a couple weeks."
I smiled. I got my laptop, and they got their man.
So, yeah, that's why I haven't posted in so long. Thanks to John Nisbett for the inspiration :)
P.S.....COME SEE SCROOGE! We open tonight!!!